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| Tam Zelig Journal of Kabbalah Of Envy By Rabbi Nilton Bonder This book is part of a trilogy including the Kabbalah of Money and the Kabbalah of Food. They are all inspired by a Jewish saying: "A person is known in three ways: by his cup, his pocket and his rage." Bonder has chosen Envy as the basis of rage or anger as well as of jealousy and greed. According to Bonder: "Envy is the most abstract form of rage." (4) There is a sense to Bonder that the conflict here is between "I" and the "other." In this sense his thesis takes on the elements not only of Buber but also of what we have seen regarding Eastern thought. He will speak later of the importance of dialogic communication to break the chains forged by this powerful enslaver. He makes an interesting point in the Introduction in speaking of the Ten Commandments. Why is it that the last commandment deals with envy or coveting? "The Rabbi of Radvil explained: 'This is the last of the Commandments because he who fulfills it will certainly have complied with the rest.'" (5) Bonder next talks about the power of envy by repeating a story from the Talmud. In it Moses had asked God why he had to die, and God explained it was because he had already named Joshua to lead the people. Moses then tried to persuade both Joshua and God that if he could live he would be content with not being in charge. Finally God agreed. But the first time Joshua entered the Holy of Holies and Moses could not enter Moses prayed for death saying., "A hundred deaths are preferable to the pain of envy." This gives us some idea of the pain and power of envy, but probably most of us do not need it pointed out. The problem as Bonder says is that it often does not just come at the end of our life where it can so easily be avoided. The author then establishes the purpose of the book as "not so much a study of the pathology of envy as it is a guide to how to live with it." (11) That study will involve ancient as well as modern techniques. Envy and all that relates to it, more than any other emotions, enslaves us to another person. Rabbi Zalmon Shachter-Shalomi, (he lectures at the Naropa Institute in Boulder), is quoted as describing Envy as the "Poker-game syndrome." Winning in this game depends on another's loss, and it is even better if one wins by bluffing. The goal therefore is not so much a personal victory, but an opponents defeat. Each player tries to hide what he has from his opponent. Envy turns its slave into a heartless predator. The second chapter deals with envy and how it relates to other worlds. These other worlds are a Kabbalistic idea. These four worlds will be discussed in a little more detail later, but suffice it to say that they represent a composite of who we are. They represent the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions. They are essentially overlays. Perhaps I can draw an analogy based on my teaching photography in journalism. I had a four color separation that I would show to my students. As the layers of red, yellow, and green were successively laid down, the picture would begin to look better and better, but it wasn’t until the final layer of black was overlaid that the picture really looked sharp. It was also shown to them the importance of aligning them just right or the picture comes out blurry. So too are the worlds. When things seem distorted we are not in proper alignment to them. Bonder's explanation is as follows, "These worlds, coexistent and superimposed on one another, serve to transport mundane events, starting with the most concrete, into more subtle dimensions of reality. In addition to the four worlds effects on anger, there is also a cumulative effect. Just as small doses of something behave in one way while cumulatively they can be altered in nature, so too hatred. Bonder gives many examples in the form of midrashic stories, but I imagine we have had first hand experience with a small anger being left to fester and growing way out of proportion. One interesting note is that the majority of stories have to do with problems of borrowing and lending. I suspect in some way or other that is the cause of most anger and frustration today as well. Our whole economic structure is built around breaking the wise axium, "neither a borrower nor a lender be." I have railed against Capitalism before and I will do it again. This is a system that uses greed and avarice as its fuel and its inevitable by-product is envy, anger and frustration. This represents the worlds out of balance. There is a long section on the four worlds relationship to this topic. Condensed: hatred, voraciousness greed and slander exist in the out of balance world of the physical -- Asiyah. Hatred turns into revenge, pride, jealousy, and talebearing in the emotional world of Yetzirah. It continues to grow into feuding, envy, arragance and an evil tongue as it passes into the mental Beriah. And finally karma, skepticism, and heresy are the result of hatred in the spiritual world of Atzilut. I think this is the main point for Bonder in his trying to present a plan of action for defeating envy. We may not be able to control our physical natures easily, but we can recognize the warning signs and stop the progress before it reaches our spirits. I want to present this in another way to make certain that Bonder's point is made. The following is the progression of hatred and its fellows: ASIYAH YETZIRAH BERIAH ATZILUT HATRED REVENGE FEUDING KARMA GREED PRIDE ARROGANCE SKEPTICISM VORACITY JEALOUSY ENVY SKEPTICISM SLANDER TALE-BEARING EVIL TONGUE HERESY While the ultimate goal is to eliminate the problem before it starts at the physical level, the starting point is to try to halt its progress. One of the most important places to start is with pride. There is much written about this, but Bonder makes several interesting points. One is that humility is not the opposite of pride; lack of self-esteem is. "Humility is the point of equilibrium." (36) One of the dangers of pride is that it can disguise itself as personal growth. According to Rabbi Mendel Libavitser, "There is no worse pride than the pride of the pious." And according to Bonder, "Of all the types of pride, the pride of a person who thinks he is growing as a human being is the worst." (37) The sad thing is that this goes to the heart of the self- improvement movement. It becomes just another possession that if you spend enough money you can "possess" goodness and maturity "They want to possess growth as one possesses a diploma, instead of living it and enduring the pangs that are an intrinsic part of growth." Bonder uses a great analogy that pride represents a negative sign, so that no matter how many points you gather towards enlightenment, pride instantly turns the number into a negative . The solution to pride is humility. Proverbs 22:4 says, "The effect of humility is fear of the Lord, wealth, honor, and life." Bonder equates humility with the fear of God. He uses many texts to prove his point, but let me try and apply this to those who may have a difficult time with the notion of God. The point is that we must fear or respect something that is far removed from the physical plane. The effect of that is to move us past the concern for how we appear to others. Ghandi is a great example of humility. Of course we can not all instantly achieve his status, but if we could set men like him rather then many of the actors, or sports figures or politicians or even self-help gurus that we tend to idolize, we would at least be moving in the right direction. So fear does not mean fear of retribution, but rather fear that we will somehow disappoint whatever god we choose to put into that position, and unless that god is truly worthy of emulating, we will get our desire and become just like him or her to our Karmic destruction. We must choose whom we fear carefully and then we must be willing to live our lives in service to that choice as if he or she were right there with us at every moment. I just read an example of this from the book Ghandi. Gopal Krishna Gokhale was a leader in the Indian nationalist movement and very well respected in his own right. He said of Ghandi, "In Ghandi's presence, one is ashamed to do anything unworthy….afraid of thinking anything unworthy." (44) This would be classified as the fear of Ghandi. OK, I have to move on or I will never get this finished. In chapter 3, "Reasons For Hate," Bonder discusses some of the emotional and physical situations we get into that causes hatred or rancor to grow. One of the main reasons is differences. We tend to love and easily forgive those who we perceive as close to us, and close off those who are different. To overcome this we must first learn to love ourself, "All love begins with loving oneself and then seeing in others…different people who are part of us. The important thing to note here, is that we are not called to defy our nature by forcing ourselves to love those who are not connected with us in some way. The trick is to fool our nature by expanding the realm of those we see as our family. Again, as Bonder puts it, "Personal growth occurs not out of an attempt to love non-children/siblings or disciples/friends, nor from the expectation of betraying our natures, but from a constant review of who we are." (50) Bonder next discusses humiliation. We have seen that come up so many times before that I wont spend any time with it here except to say that it is a vital part of our growth to put that behind us. I was watching television the other day and I saw a commercial for America's Funniest Home Videos. That show, and going all the way back to Alan Funt's Candid Camera shows off our love for seeing others humiliated. Even the so called "Reality Shows" that are so popular today are built at the expense of someone else's pride. Another example of humiliation is gossip. This has often caused great grief, and again, I don't think that needs defending, but as to how to combat it. Bonder quotes Reb Israel Meir who came up with a formula for when criticism, (Often a dressed up word we use for slander or gossip), is constructive: 1.Evidence of dishonesty or faults must be obtained by the person who makes the criticism and not by way of rumors he has heard. 2. The person who criticizes must be cautious and reflect deeply on the matter, to to be sure that this is an instance of an incorrect attitude. 3. He must then privately censure the person who committed the error, without creating a furor and in a nonthreatening manner, showing his expectation that the behavior in question will be changed. If this does not occur, then he may make the case public. 4. He should never make the offense appear greater than it is. 5. He should try to understand his own motives and be sure he is not criticizing the other for personal reasons. 6. If there is any other way to avoid slandering the other, he should first resort to that method. 7. As a result of his action, he should not bring upon the criticized individual a punishment greater than that proffered by a court if the case were to be judged. In addition to all this, a person who publicly slanders someone should himself be honest and not guilty of the same type of crimes or faults for which he is criticizing the other. (65-66) Well, there goes our legal system. Slander and humiliation invades the other's privacy and space. This is also something we should consider. We need to be careful of another's space, and if ours is invaded we need to question whether or not we actually left enough room for the other to avoid interfering. Bonder put it nicely when he said, "When people step on our toes, many times they do it because we have left no other space for them to stand, except on our own feet. " (69) So what is the answer here? We must strive to allow other's their space and understand what our own space looks like. When we are criticized or think we are, we need to be very careful to really understand where the arrow is coming from and where it was really intended to go. Bonder starts off the next section entitled, "Quarreling," with a great Yiddish proverb, "If the heart is bitter, nothing will sweeten the mouth." (75) Essentially what Bonder talks about in the first section is that we generally have the greatest quarrels or feuds with those who are closest to us and most often the quarrel is over something that the quarreler hates about himself. According to the Maggid of Mezeritz, "Do not be discouraged by strong opposition. Robbers attack those who carry jewels, not carts carrying fertilizer." (76) What a great illustration. If we could think to ourselves every time someone picks a fight with us that we should be flattered that this person sees us as worthy to try and rob from. We should be flattered. If we could truly feel that way, what kind of response do you think that would engender? I would venture to guess it would be completely different from our normal response. Another suggestion Bonder makes for ending what may seem impossible feuds is taken from the story of Jacob's wrestling with the Angel. I will assume you know the story, so I wont repeat it, but there are a few interesting insights that Bonder has. Jacob was about to meet Esau and this is a classic feud story, but before he met him, Jacob dreamt he wrestled with an Angel who was actually God. We must recognize that when we quarrel with someone, we are actually quarreling with God, but we often avoid that fight. We shouldn't. It is only by wrestling with God or our innermost self that we can bring about change. That change may turn us inside out or create in us a whole new person with a different name, (Jacob to Israel), but it beats the alternative which is being beaten down by our demons of rage. There is another interesting point that the author makes. "Jacob had come to a river whose name is an anagram formed by the inversion of the letters of his own name (J-c-b; J-b-c )." (83) We must often turn our way of looking at things around in order to see who we really should be fighting with. It is interesting that God seems to encourage us then to fight with him rather than others. Even the name Israel which was to became a great and glorious name means "he who fights with God." One of the fringe benefits of fighting with God is that it could keep us from falling into the trap of believing that you are absolutely right and your opponent (God) is absolutely wrong. Bonder tells a story that illustrates the point, "Judge not lest you be judged." But I prefer to think about that in the light of another story that essentially says that when we stand before God, every word of judgement that we spoke about others will be used to sentence ourselves. Scary thought. One of the keys here is to always, always doubt the things we believe are certain when we are angry, and never argue by criticizing others or justifying ourselves. We must be very careful whenever we feel we are right because, "Being right lies on a tenuous line between true worship and idol worship." (89) There is a belief that when we truly learn to engage in dialogue that the Messiah will come. So how can we have legitimate differences of opinion with another person? We must always respect our opponent and (this is a great key) "He must reach the complex stage of knowing he is not right, but being certain he is not wrong." That takes some contemplation, but it soon proves to be a powerful insight into how to argue dialogically. While this can help us when we are in the midst of conflict, Bonder's next chapter will talk about avoidance. One of the first ways to avoid conflict is learning to see each situation clearly. I have heard the story that Bonder tells here before, but I love it and I think it's worth repeating: The king visited the royal prison and spoke with the prisoners. Each who Approached vowed his innocence, except for one prisoner, who confessed to being a thief. "Get this scoundrel out of here!" exclaimed the king. "He will corrupt the innocent!" (95) It is no accident that one of the physical characteristics of anger is squinting the eyes. If we could see clearly we would most likely not be angry. Just as in the last paper, we talked about hearing what was not said, so too must we be able to see what may not be obviously visible. This is the stuff of prophets and holy men which is available to each and everyone of us. Bonder puts it succinctly when he says, "Prophecy comes from a wise person's ability to keep his eyes open when everyone else's are closed." (98) Most of us when confronted with a child who does outrageous things can react with patience and understanding. This is a child after all. I remember one time I was disciplining my daughter and she flew into a rage and started yelling and screaming and telling me that she hated me. I didn't react back with anger, I knew she didn't mean those things. I let her spend her anger, then we talked, and then we hugged, and it was over. Had I been confronted with that kind of anger from an adult, I doubt I would have been as forgiving. But that's the problem. Bonder talks about the Rabbinic concept of tinok she-nishbah which is a captive child that does not know of his origin. This child must be treated with extreme patience and forgiveness. When we are greeted with anger we must learn to develop an understanding that the person before us is a tinok she-nishbah. I have been doing some reading about dealing with the inner child and the bottom line seems to be that Bonder's assessment here and the concepts he quotes have a very solid basis psychologically. Each one of us has that inner- child, and I would venture to say that for a number of us, diagnosed or not, that child has never really been nurtured. Is it any wonder that conflicts exist. At least with my girls, they have the assurance, proven time and again, that I love them unconditionally and the bonus is that they have returned that unconditional love to me. There are many who have never had that assurance. The goal of most religions is to provide that assurance on a spiritual level, but we must truly accept it. So what Bonder is saying here as a way to avoid conflict is that we must identify the child in others (as well as ourselves) and treat them as a LOVING parent. What this does is allow an "other" the space to grow. Bonder gives us a great Yiddish verb farginen which means "to open space, to share pleasure; it is the exact opposite of the verb to envy." (104) It is much easier to grieve with someone then to rejoice with them. To farginen someone takes discipline and practice. But I offer again the analogy of seeing in the other not only a child, but your child. I feel no envy when my girls succeed, only pride. It is easy to farginen your own child or disciple so the trick is to expand your definition of who is your family. Christianity teaches in the words of Jesus and I am paraphrasing since I no longer have a Christian Bible, Who is my mother…I tell you that anyone who does the will of God is my mother and father and sister and brother." Know the example I gave earlier of my daughter's anger came out of discipline or rebuke that I made. Bonder in the next section gives us another way to avoid conflict by understanding how to offer correction that avoids rancor or conflict. The heart of his proposal comes from Leviticus 19:17 that juxtaposes two concepts in one verse. "Do not hate your brother in your heart…certainly you shall rebuke your neighbor and not suffer sin upon him." The implication here is twofold; one, not criticizing another is equal to hatred of the other and two, when we criticize, it cannot be with any kind of hatred or dislike for the other. If either you or the other is unprepared for the criticism, you must not give it. I must apologize now for the length of this journal. Bonder uses so many wonderful stories in his book, and I have tried not to repeat most of them, but I find some that are just too good not to repeat. So I apologize for making you read so much. Well here goes. This is from another of the many great Rabbis who lived around the 18th century, Rabbi Meir: Once, a lion decided not to seek food until his breath was sweeter. He found a Mule and said to him, "Put your head near my mouth and tell me if my breath Is sweet." The mule did so and responded negatively. "How dare he insult me?" exclaimed the king of beasts and immediately devoured the mule. Some days later, the lion met up with a wolf and put the same question to him. The wolf answered in the affirmative. "How dare you lie to me?" roared the lion, and devoured him at once. Some time later, he questioned a fox, an animal that does not let himself get mixed up in complicated situations. "Excuse me," said the fox. "I have a cold and have lost my sense of smell." "Get yourselves a cold as well," said Rabbi Meir to his disciples, "and you will be saved from the lion." (111) Or as Kenny Rogers would say, "Knowing when to hold up, knowing when to fold up, and knowing when to walk away…" And finally when it is time to criticize, Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav, another contemporary of Meir's gave instructions on how to criticize. "Be wise in your criticism, or you will do more evil than good….include yourself in any criticism you may make…criticism that is held back destroys the chances of mercy, indulgence, and benevolence….Criticism brings from heaven contentment and blessings." (112) And on the opposite side of all this is being able to accept criticism. Bonder says, "Thus there are times when allowing ourselves to be criticised, instead of becoming defensive and self justifying, can be an effective tool in a feud." (115) I refer again to my encounter with my daughter and I think this was another occasion, but she said many things to me in anger, and among them was something to the effect that I never listen to her. I did not respond then, but later we talked, and rather then defending myself, I assumed the guilt and we talked about how I could do better at listening. Now I certainly could have cited many times when I listened to her, but obviously she was focusing on at least one time when I didn't. So rather then tell her that I am right and she is wrong, and prolong the feud, I chose to avoid conflict. Now please understand that I am not this saintly on a daily basis, but I do understand the importance of trying. This is a long chapter, and I will try and sum up with insights that I feel are the heart of his techniques to avoiding conflict. We must recognize that the other has the right to say no without becoming offended. And likewise that we have the right to say no. We are after all also the neighbor. We must remember that we are not called on to love our neighbor more than ourselves. We must also count the cost of conflict. This is another example of why it is far better to wrestle with God (or ourselves) than with the other. One of the costs of conflict is that at some point you are going to have to ask for forgiveness of the other. The problem is that if you come to that understanding too late the other may be either dead or somewhere we cannot find them. God, however is everywhere so asking forgiveness is easier. The other cost of anger is to ourselves, emotionally and even physically, as I am sure can be proven by many psychological studies. Recognizing the cost is one thing, developing the skills to keep from irritation is another and Bonder continues with some exercises. The first exercise against irritation is recognition. Try to become aware of what happens to you the moment you become irritated, and then be on the lookout for those signs. Next, avoid hastiness. Never express displeasure on the same day as offence. Tell yourself that you will respond to the offence, just not right now. Also, we must prepare each day to meet others. We must learn to expect that there will be conflicts and know how we will deal with them ahead of time, and last, be like dust. I think I talked about that revelation in the last paper or earlier in this one. These are exercises according to Bonder "are daily exercises for avoiding disappointment, for being surprised. They enable us not to demand what cannot be required of others." (136) The final exercise has to do with something that I heard somewhere else was used as a meditation. I also see this as a way to realign the four worlds. Bonder presents it as a Rabbinic concept and he explains, "we have four angels that balance each other out: one in front, one to the right side, another to the left side, and the last one behind us." (140) Each serve a different function which is to push us, the world of action -- Assiyah, to hold us back, the world of emotions -- Yetzirah, to tell us to forget and move on, the world of spirit -- Atzilut, and to tell us to remember and hold on, the world of the intellect -- Beriah. Bonder tells us to tune in to these four angels which a Jews evening prayer names as Raphael, Uriel, Gabriel, and Michael respectively. But I would stress this in even stronger language, and that is that this should be a daily meditation probably best done at night to do two things. One would be to bring your worlds back into alignment after a day that may have included some stresses, and two would be to allow you a safe place to go to be refreshed. As a matter of fact, the other source which presents this as a meditation talks about it to be used any time you feel threatened. You can see yourself within the protective embrace of these who are the most powerful of angels. From this safe place we might even learn to start liking our enemies which is what Bonder deals with in the next chapter. Bonder makes an interesting observation in this chapter on Liking The Enemy. He says, "Strange as it may seem, liking an enemy is the path that may lead us to liking our own selves." (159) If we can see that our enemies hold the key to who we are, then the process of learning to love them simply becomes the process of learning to love and accept ourselves. We must stop seeing life as a contest. That is a lie that feeds on envy for there are no winners and there are no losers there is really only I and Thou. But surely this is a contest, and God is on my side. Bonder quotes the Rabbi of Ger to refute this: "We read in the commentaries on Cain and Abel that they fought because both wanted to build a sacred temple to God on their land. Since then, this is the excuse that is given for any sort of bloodshed, war, or hatred. It is always said that the conflict is in the name of a holy cause." (162) Hiding behind a spiritual purpose for our hatred is no excuse. Bonder mentions three stages given by rabbinic authority for fighting hatred: reception, conquest, and sweetening. There must be a conquest we cannot simply scare off evil, we must imprison and tame it within us. This reminds me a great deal of the idea presented in creative dreaming that says we must face our dream monsters and force them to give us a gift. If we do this, chances are in subsequent dreams this same monster will become our guide. A friend of mine told me the story of her son who had repeated dreams of being attacked by a giant eagle. She finally gave him similar advice to what was mentioned and he later reported in other dreams this eagle would now fly him to beautiful places. This is part of the third process of sweetening. It is not enough to conquer your evil, but you must make it give you a gift. You must use the energy of that evil to fuel your good. Bonder says of this, "Educating oneself to do this is like learning not to dump trash in public places….it is not possible to throw something "out," because there is no out." (164) Hatred that is not sweetened, just conquered soon pops up again to do its mischief. One of the key ingredients to this "sweetening" is compassion. We must know what causes another's pain. We cannot and must not judge or criticize an other without first "walking a mile in his moccasins." And once again we must apply this same criteria to ourselves. Do not judge yourself until you are absolutely certain that you understand what causes your pain. Since for most of us that probably won't happen in this lifetime, the choice is simple -- don't judge. Graduation from this school will allow us to enter a world of peace. We will see next Bonder"s concept of this world. In Chapter 7, the last chapter, Bonder talks about the Technology Of Peace. He begins with his definition of peace. "Peace is thus the moment when the limits of what can be justly given and received are crystal clear to all parties in any interaction." (185) It is a moment of balance, of equilibrium, of clarity. It is a moment when all four worlds are in proper alignment. Bonder now spends some time on something I totally disagree with, and which to me seem to contradict what has gone before. He complains, and rightly so, that our, I assume that would be a pretty universal our since he is writing this in South America, system of government does not allow for the "other." The problem is that beauracracy by its nature can only have an I-It relationship, (my interpretation, he does not use the Buber analogy). And then he goes about setting up a new government that would provide, no almost force consideration of the other. The answer will not come from government. As I think about it, although this is only based on reading one book on the subject, perhaps that was why Gandhi failed. He allied himself with politics. A Ghandi -like figure who stays apolitical might have more success at transforming a nation and a world. The key to this Ghandi-like person, as it was to Ghandi himself, is unconditional love of yourself and the other. This is what Bonder closes with. According to Bonder, "All envy springs from a 'short-circuit' of love." (206) As I pointed out earlier, we are usually not envious over the ones we love unconditionally. Additionally Bonder refers again to Reb Nachman of Bratslav who makes another mind-jarring observation, "one can only hate or only envy when feeling sad." (211) Of course! I can think of many times in my life when I was so overcome with joy that I could think ill of no one. If we can provide a world of happiness, and I would add -- security, we would see the bulk of envy disappear from that world. Happiness cannot be legislated by the government. It is of course possible to provide a government that would promote the happiness of its citizens, but in order for it not to seem Orwellian the change must start with the individual I and Thou. It must be as a result of true dialogue that we learn to truly accept the other as an equal partner. |
